This blog post has been edited and published at: https://kadampa.org/blog/dating-with-the-help-of-wisdom
In June 2023, I relocated to Toronto, Canada, making it the fourth country I have lived in. The transition to another foreign country as a single person alone in my 30s is not an easy task: I have to rebuild my life again from scratch without a partner, friends, families, and communities.
In the past, I often attributed my singleness to my “nomadic lifestyle” and that I “moved too much”. After eight months in Toronto, many positive changes are happening in my life: starting to make friends, developing new hobbies, exploring the city, etc. Yet, the only thing that hasn’t changed at all is my singleness. While many friends all around the world are starting to share their existing news of getting engaged, getting married, and having kids, I find myself scrutinizing a depressing line graph titled “female egg quality by age” on the internet and staring frantically at its sharp decline starting at number 35.
As I navigate this confusing 30-something singlehood, I start to discover that some Buddhist principles from my meditation center offer some profound wisdom and serenity amidst the whirlwind of emotions and expectations.
Start with self-compassion:
Loneliness often descends upon me when I am alone in my apartment at night, it sometimes morphs into a lingering sense of self-pity that preoccupies my mind. It is so quiet that I only hear the fan coil and my relentless inner thoughts. Every now and then, I want to examine where this loneliness and self-pity comes from.
We live in a society that is unfriendly to single people to some degree. We have been bombarded with the idea again and again that true fulfillment can only be achieved through following the value of starting a family. This societal pressure is particularly harsh when it comes to women, who are often led to believe that their worth and happiness are largely dependent on their roles as wives and mothers. In the Chinese culture, I grew up with, women over 30s are called “Left-over” and are considered inferior.
But do conforming to these social expectations and playing prescribed roles truly solve the problem of loneliness and bring happiness? Not necessarily. We can find many examples of people still being lonely and unhappy in a relationship or marriage, even with children in tow. In fact, some research suggests that unmarried and childless women constitute one of the happiest subgroups in the population (The Guardian, 2019). Besides, from a Dharma perspective, loneliness, like happiness, is an emotion that depends on our mind rather than external circumstances. The real source of happiness is inner peace. If our mind is peaceful, we will be happy all the time, regardless of what society is telling us to do. Furthermore, I started to realize how much stigma single people endure everyone: selfish, miserable and will die alone. It is the stigma that leads some single people to feel unhappy not the singleness itself.
Through the practice of extending compassion towards myself, potential partners, and people facing the same struggles, I started to develop more empathy towards our shared human experience, especially when we suffer, doubt, or feel inadequate, and this is when the feelings of loneliness and self-pity start to fade away.
Ride the Waves of Uncertainty
Besides grappling with the emotion of loneliness and self-pity, I sometimes struggle with self-blame in which I dwell on the past and am anxious about the uncertainty of the future: maybe I shouldn’t have broken up with that person who was eager to settle and get married; maybe I shouldn’t have had that relationship that destroyed my self-esteem for several years; maybe I should have tried harder so I could turn this last “situationship” into a relationship. These past failures sometimes instill a fear of making mistakes again. When I encounter a new potential partner, I keep asking these questions: Where is this going? Is this the right person? What if the relationship doesn’t last? I try to inquire about every piece of information and scrutinize every detail.
In Buddhist philosophy, it emphasizes the impermanent nature of all things – relationships included. Realizing relationships evolve and change, and that some may be fleeting while others endure, can allow us to approach dating with a sense of openness and acceptance. However, embracing impermanence and uncertainty doesn’t diminish the value of connections; sometimes it makes us more focused on the beauty of the present moment. It also encourages us to cherish the journey and the people we encounter along the way, regardless of the ultimate outcome.
Love is the wish that others be happy
In the early stages of my romantic journey, I have heavily focused on what this person can give me and whether they can make me happy. One day, during a meditation class on love, the teacher defined the essence of love from a Buddhist perspective: “Love is the wish that others be happy”. Only when we can wish for others to be happy without conditions, attachments, or demands then, we find the essence of true love.
When I go on dates these days, I try to bring this renewed intention: I wish myself to be happy, and I wish you to be happy. This doesn’t mean that we must be romantically with that person. Instead, by shifting the focus from self-centered desires to the well-being of others, we can diminish self-cherishing and lessen problems or unhappiness ourselves. Also, this helps us see the compatibility more objectively and clearly: Do I love the part of the person that they treasure the most? Do they love the part of me that I value about myself the most?
Especially if we know someone is not a match, I learned and tried to let them know directly and kindly. It is not a kind or compassionate act to string people along and use people just to get through difficult times when we know our feelings don’t match theirs. In the face of rejection, instead of feeling resentment or anger, we can wish them happiness because someone else will be a good fit for them. Understanding everyone carries their own burdens and joys, and that everyone deeply wants to be loved, softens the edges of judgment and allows connections to unfold organically.
Closing words…
Writing all of these doesn’t mean I have solved all my challenges. I am still occasionally overwhelmed by these strong emotions and feelings: loneliness, self-doubt, anxiety, and uncertainty about the future. In those moments, I go on to sit on my meditation cushion, where I am reminded of a fundamental truth: that happiness depends on our mind rather than external circumstances, and we can find connection, joy, and love everywhere, not just in romantic relationships. There are people briefly entering and exiting my life, and so do the emotions that I am experiencing, coming and going, and they make me feel alive. I find solace in simply being present, embracing the here and now, observing and enjoying this precious moment of inner stillness.
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